Content Warning: Grooming, nudity
What’s it about? Mori Ranmaru is a 450-year-old vampire who’s spent the last decade working at the family-owned Koi Bathhouse. Why? Because their son, Tatsuno Rihito, saved Ranmaru from the brink of death as a child. Struck by his innocence, Ranmaru decided he’d one day be the perfect meal…if Ranmaru can see him through to age 18 with his virginity intact.
This feels like a joke played at my specific expense. A BL vampire comedy where the lead looks a tiny bit like Count D from my very favorite josei series, Pet Shop of Horrors? I couldn’t call dibs fast enough. Then the summary filtered in, and I spent a few weeks lying to myself about the level of creep I was about to subject myself to. Alas, the fated day has arrived, and I must contend with the vampire groomer show.
Part of me wants to just wave a hand and say “fucking, look at it,” but I’ve nominally got a job to do here. There’s comic potential in the setup of “deeming yourself a professional cockblocker for the guy you like more than you think you do,” and doing that with a supernatural element adds in a layer of potential absurdity that could be fun.
But Ranmaru is an adult. Not “an ancient vampire who actually acts like a teenager,” a la Call of the Night (eventually) or MAYONAKA PUNCH, but a social adult who’s part of the family as an uncle/older brother to Rihito. Who Ranmaru has known since the kid was five. And this isn’t even a “blood drinking is a metaphor for queer desire but there’s a degree of metaphor” situation, because Ranmaru is popping those boners left and right every time he thinks about Rihito’s youthful purity. It’s like I’ve been trapped in a horrible dimension where Kimura is the protagonist of Azumanga Daioh. The attempt to give Ranmaru a sad backstory about how he’s doomed to kill every man he loves (including Nobunaga, apparently) didn’t exactly work when I was already ready to pitch him outside at midday.
There’s just no way to separate this from the reality that queer men—particularly femme gay men—are still regularly stereotyped as dangerous predators who target young boys. We can’t talk about whether it’s dangerous to dredge up an old stereotype because it’s still actively being trotted out. And this isn’t even a well-made enough series to warrant that discussion! Writer/director Kawasaki Itsuro is basically back on the same wavelength of bullshit as when he made Magical Girl Ore. It’s clearly two gag shorts stapled together, which means we get the premise re-explained halfway through the episode. Rihito’s jaw flaps like a muppet or especially inept cow. The pivotal flashback scene of Ranmaru meeting Rihito plays twice…but the first time already reveals that Rihito came back to help him. Some bits come right up to the edge of working, only to veer off abruptly like the show got distracted by some jangling keys. They’re the kinds of missteps that I might shrug past from a more journeyman director, but after this many years in the role it just starts to feel like ineptitude.
The one goof that truly made me laugh comes in the last minute of the episode, when Rihito’s crush is completely baffled at the suggestion that she fell in love with the boy she talked to for five minutes. A small part of me is tempted to watch one more episode to see more of her and the unfortunate gyaru who clearly does have a crush on Rihito. But that’s the devil talking. Even if Ranmaru were an ancient teenage vampire or hadn’t been actively grooming Rihito since he was barely out of diapers, it wouldn’t fix the clunky production and inconsistent-at-best comedic timing.
I’ll just consider this my calling to remind people of Fairy Ranmaru, a much better, gayer, and more earnest show than this one that continues to deserve more love.
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